Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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