No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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