saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
