Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
