I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Someone signed my nipple.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
