i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
it was like eating out sand paper
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
