My first STD was from a foam party
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
