just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
