I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
