just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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