okay pat passed out under dana's car
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
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either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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