I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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