My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
