this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
