I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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