How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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