Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
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i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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