I cut my penus on the lid.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
