Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
