U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
