Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
