I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
