to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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