end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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