I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
