Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
