Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
