I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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