My sheets look like a crime scene.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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