I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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