I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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