just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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