fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
