I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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