i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
