I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
