While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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