i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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