he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
