I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
His nipple licking is glorious
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