I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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