I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
