Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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