life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
