Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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