I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
two words: eviction party
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
