man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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