After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
