my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
