I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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