when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
