yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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