What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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