Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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