Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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