we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
