just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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